Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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