I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
