My friends, they love my intelligence
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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