Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
