I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
