Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
