how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
