Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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