i wish my penis had a tongue
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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