there's paper in my vomit.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
