i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
