Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
