the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
