i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
