I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
