I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Im part way to drunk.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
