what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
