So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
