my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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