and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
