Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
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