I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
