The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
