I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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