i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
