he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
