You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
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