dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
