rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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