Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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