I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
