SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
