You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
