Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
