my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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