The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
