Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
