He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
