while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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