It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
