I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just had sex on a roof
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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