I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
