T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
