Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
