so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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