You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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