I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
