I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I stole a fireplace last night.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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