chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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