: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
