I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
