sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
