My liver just broke up with me...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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