apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
