and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
